Embrace Dog this festive season.

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Australians are being urged to remember and honour Dog during the upcoming festive season and to seek further opportunities to allow Dog to become the focal point of their end of year celebrations.

Aussies are being reminded that the true message of Dog is found not only within the four walls of the institutions which brought them into contact with Dog, but that the love of Dog can be found in their homes and parks and beaches and cafes – everywhere.

Take comfort, they are advised, in the knowledge that Dog is one constant in an ever-changing world. Even during times when new ways of thinking and social upheaval threaten to destroy our belief in Dog, Dog will always be there.

Australians should also ensure they turn their attention to Dog even during the hectic, busy and stressful period that marks the lead up to Christmas. In an effort to help the good people of Australia to do so, below is a list of practical recommendations which are framed in joy and positive affirmations.

  • Dog is everywhere
  • Dog loves you
  • Let Dog into your life
  • Make the time in your crowded schedule to communicate with Dog
  • Enjoy the opportunity to show your love for Dog on a daily basis, not just during certain ceremonies in April and December
  • Proudly and triumphantly proclaim your devotion to Dog, to everyone, everywhere, even where Dog is not welcome. Ignore signs and signals which attempt to exclude the presence of Dog
  • Defend Dog in your words and deeds, against those who choose to slander Dog, because Dog is righteous
  • Include Dog in your holiday. Take Dog with you in the car, on the plane, in the hotel, at the campground…
  • Lavish gifts upon Dog this year, just as you lavish gifts upon family and friends
  • Love your Dog as the one true Dog, while acknowledging the right of other people to love other Dogs
  • Dog is the reason for the season
  • Practice humility when communicating with Dog and accept that Dog is wiser than you. Subjugate yourself to the will of Dog
  • Teach your children to love Dog, because the love of Dog must start in the home.
  • Include Dog in Carols by Candlelight, summer barbecues, Kris Kringle and Christmas parties – you can even find a way to involve Dog in one seminal act of Christmas, the traditional photo with Santa.

Finally, remember that Dog is for life, not just for Christmas.

Australians urged to Slip, Slop, Slap, Slide, Seek…and Hide.

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Health authorities are urging Australians to protect themselves from the sun during the summer holidays with a renewed campaign called Slip, Slop, Slap, Slide, Seek and Hide.

The new slogan extends the original “Slip, Slop, Slap” message, which was launched in response to Australia having some of the highest rate of skin cancer cases in the world.

The long-running slogan encourages everyone to slip on some clothing, slop on some suncream and slap on a hat while in the sun. The new slogan advises people to also slide on some sunglasses and seek shade.

It is the “Hide” message which confused some Australians, and which prompted clarification from health authorities.

“Australians are urged to hide because the sun is becoming stronger every year. It is vital to hide from the sun in order to avoid skin cancer, which is still a major cause of death in the country,” explained authorities.

Australians are also encouraged to hide from shame, as the country has the biggest per capita carbon footprint of any nation on earth.

The country’s continued use and support of fossil fuels, especially coal, is contributing to the climate crisis and global warming and has made the once-popular country an international embarrassment.

Such is Australia’s international standing that the current prime minister, Scott Morrison, was recently labelled “Fossil of the Day” at an international climate conference due to his support of the coal industry. Morrison is also famous for taking a lump of coal into federal parliament during question time and telling Australians not to be afraid.

Aussies are also encouraged to hide from the fact that Australia re-elected a party which is clearly controlled by the coal lobby and is determined to open new coal mines despite compelling and irrefutable scientific evidence that coal mining and burning of fossil fuels contributes massively to the climate crisis.

Ironically, the outdoor lifestyle for which Australia is famous is now under threat as the sun becomes a danger rather than a blessing.

At the time of writing, residents of Sydney are having to hide from the smoke haze from bushfires which have burned out of control throughout the state and are said to have been exacerbated by the climate crisis.

Australians are thus encouraged to hide until the current reality of the country is changed.

Image: Jeremy Bishop

 

 

Scott Morrison forced to wear FitBit in order to redeem parliamentary pension.

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The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, will be required to wear a FitBit and maintain an acceptable level of physical health in order to receive his parliamentary pension once he retires from politics.

The order was given after Morrison recently revealed via social media that he is unfit to govern.

“The political pension in Australia is very generous,” read a statement from the Governor General’s office, which mandated the program.

“Politicians should earn this pension, and this includes maintaining a reasonable level of physical health. Mr Morrison is clearly unfit to govern, so he has been given a FitBit.”

The program will force Morrison, and other politicians, to walk a minimum number of steps every day, to maintain a healthy heart rate and reasonable weight, and reach an acceptable level of physical fitness. If they cannot do this, they will not receive the pension.

” We know Mr Morrison must make a drastic change if he is to be fit to govern, but we believe the motivation is sufficient.”

Other politicians will also have to lift their game.

“Pauline Hanson will wear one next time she runs out of breath halfway up a sacred site. We’re also looking forward to analysing the data from George Christensen and Clive Palmer. Even though Palmer didn’t get elected, he had a huge impact on the last federal election. We were anticipating some impressive figures from Tony Abbott, but instead we will have to focus on ex-world champion Zali Steggal.”

Australian politicians will not be the first government employees forced to wear fitness devices.

Teachers in West Virginia, USA, were forced to wear a FitBit type device in order to keep their health insurance, as outlined in Michael Moore’s documentary “Farenheit 11/9”.

The major difference between the two programs is that the one in the US was very, very real.

The move is expected to limit the photo opportunities featuring Morrison drinking beer at the footy. It is unclear how it will impact on the prime minister’s approval rating in a country struggling to combat obesity.

Image:www.gettyimages.com.au

Prime Minister of Australia travelled to Greece to hand back democracy.

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The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, took an unannounced trip to Greece recently in order to return democracy to its birthplace.

Australians had accused Mr. Morrison of going ‘missing’ while the country is battling savage bushfires. It has finally been revealed that he had secretly travelled to Athens to hand back Australian democracy.

“Democracy didn’t work in Australia,” Mr Morrison’s office announced in a press statement.

“We tried it for more than 100 years, and despite proving largely successful for many of those years, we recently decided that it is not the right fit for Australia. We don’t need democracy any more.”

Mr. Morrison undertook the secretive trip with only a skeleton staff, and is said to have laid the shattered remains of Australian democracy to rest at various landmarks in Athens. The prime minster was able to roam freely through the ancient city as he was disguised as a tourist wearing an Australia baseball cap and a T-shirt emblazoned with ‘Papa Smirk’.

The statement from the prime minister’s office then elaborated on the motives for the hand back.

“Democracy was becoming an impediment to the goals of the current government, which I am proud to lead. Democracy demands a free press, but this would prevent us from raiding journalists and media outlets. It would also upset one of our most ardent supporters, who owns most of the media in this country.”

“Furthermore, democracy demands the right for citizens to protest, and protests threaten the very survival of our overlords from the minerals and resource sector.”

The press release then thanked Greece and it’s philosophers for creating and disseminating modern democracy.

Many citizens and members of the media were confused that the prime minister would ‘go missing’ while unprecedented and catastrophic bushfires continue to devastate the eastern coast of the country.

The press release answered some of their questions. One question which remains, however, is whether or not democracy can ever be brought back to Australia.

Image:www.worldatlas.com

 

 

 

George Calombaris introduces UnderPay to Australian diners.

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Australian celebrity chef George Calombaris has introduced a new system of payment in all of his Australian restaurants which will allow diners to pay less than the amount listed on the bill.

The unique payment system is called UnderPay™ and was implemented after Calombaris was caught under paying most of the staff working at the restaurants he owns throughout Australia.

“This is a world first,” boasted Calombaris.

“I am so proud to introduce this revolutionary payment system to Australian diners and to give them the option of paying less money than they should really be paying in the restaurant. Customers can actually pay whatever amount they would like to pay for their meals.

Some businesses are using Afterpay or layby, some use Pay it Forward, many eateries will allow customers to split the bill, and these days many customers pay with their phone or even their watch, but no one else is using UnderPay™.”

There is one caveat, however. Customers utilising UnderPay™ will still be required to tip the waitstaff,

“About 20 cents should be enough for the average bill”, explained Calombaris.

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

 

Australians flock to churches after closure of Uluru.

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Australian and international tourists are planning to hike through places of worship across the country following the announcement that Uluru will be closed for climbing in October this year.

The Desecration Tour, as it has been labelled, will begin at St Mary’s Cathedral in Sydney before continuing to other churches as well as temples, mosques and synagogues throughout the nation. Streets surrounding religious buildings will soon be inundated with vehicles parking illegally, while residents have been warned that their gardens are likely to be used as toilets and rubbish dumps.

Participants in the Desecration Tour are determined to hike in as many sacred sites as possible after learning that they will be prevented from climbing Uluru due to the wishes of the Anangu people, the traditional custodian of the land on which Uluru lies.

The famous rock in the centre of Australia has always been scared to the Anangu people, who ask visitors to respect their culture and beliefs. Despite their wishes, and the multiple, multilingual signs at the base of the rock, hundreds of tourists climb the rock every year.

Tourists are set to don hiking shoes, backpacks and zinc cream as they descend upon places of worship, where they will take selfies, enjoy a picnic, leave behind rubbish and place themselves and others in danger.

Visitors will be encouraged to visit as many sacred places as possible, and record their achievements through the Sacred Summits App and facebook page, where they can upload photos as proof of their conquest. Visitors will earn extra points for conquering a sacred place during a religious ceremony, such as the Christian mass.

The facebook page has already attracted thousands of ‘likes’, ‘shares’, ‘comments’ and ‘posts’ and has united tourists, who are calling on religious organisations to install toilets, rubbish bins and other amenities on the altar or consecrated section of each religious building, in order to cater for the visitors. Countless members have also demanded doggie bowls so that their dogs can have a drink.

Religious groups have issued mixed responses to the news. Many were horrified that grown adults would knowingly desecrate a sacred site in direct opposition to the stated wishes of the custodians of the land, while others promised to welcome all visitors.

“We’re just glad to have someone turn up to Mass,” conceded a spokesperson for Christian church groups in Australia.

“The only person who has been on the altar of our churches for many years is the priest, or minister, because most of our parishioners are too old to reach the altar, and we can no longer invite children to the altar in light of recent events.”

Tourists, meanwhile, have taken to social media to express their delight at finding a new opportunity to demonstrate their respect for sacred beliefs.

“Religious sites belong to all Australians, and all Australians should be able to climb them.”

“If I don’t climb this mosque, someone else will.”

“This rocks – let’s bag this b/.ch”

“Wow, great idea, plus it’s free, heaps cheaper than Bridge Climb.”

“Great way to teach my kids true Aussie culture and Aussie values.”

“Wonderful initiative, hiking through sacred sites will help me to gain a greater understanding of various religions.”

“Following the footsteps of Moses, who climbed…something.”

The Desecration Tour is set to continue for an unspecified period of time, and will even involve scaling the stage of the Horizon Church in Sutherland, in Sydney’s south, where Prime Minister Scott Morrison prays for all Australians. Tourists have already created a spin-off called Climb the Hillsong, to take place at every Hillsong megachurch throughout Australia.

Image:www.australiantraveller.com

 

 

To hell with Israel Folau

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Professional footballers throughout the world have united in response to Israel Folau’s warning that most of them will go to hell.

The players flocked to #ToHellWithIzzy on social media upon learning that their recreational activities have condemned them all to eternal damnation.

Folau created enormous controversy when his social media post claimed that hell awaits Drunks, Homosexuals, Adulterers, Liars, Fornicators, Thieves, Atheists and Idolators. In response to the post, footballers used #ToHellWithIzzy to list the actions which will see them spend eternity with the devil.

Players confessed their sins in an attempt to win The Frownlow Medal or be inducted into The Frownlow Medal Hall of Fame. The Frownlow Medal is awarded to the player from across Australia’s four major football codes who commits the most scandalous off-field act in any one season, while the hall of fame honours the greats of the past.

Some of the stars who have united under #ToHellWithIzzy include:

Drunks – Too many to mention, including Brad Fittler, who police once labelled ‘the drunkest human being ever’.

Homosexuals – Are there any gay male footballers playing first grade in Australia?

Adulterers – Wayne Carey, who famously slept with the wife of his teammate. Garry Lyon, who famously slept with the wife of Billy Brownless.

Liars – Jordan de Goey, who blamed his dog for a hand injury, which he actually sustained at a nightclub.

Fornicators – The part-time pornstars, who all appeared in a sex tape which surfaced online: Dylan ‘Big Papi’ Napa, Tyrone May, Tyrone Phillips, Liam Coleman. Sonny Bill Williams, famous for a rendezvous in a toilet at a Sydney pub. Corey Norman, who won The Frownlow Medal in 2016.

Thieves – Quade Cooper, who once stole two laptops. Garry Sullivan, who served time in prison for multiple armed robberies.

Atheists – ?

Idolators – Most professional footballers, who worship their own shirtless form on social media.

Image:www.stuff.co.nz